Despite Wheeling Park’s attempts to block all forms of AI on Chromebooks, students continue to find ways to abuse it. So, let’s make the obvious choice here: eliminate all technology. If students can’t figure out how to use it effectively and responsibly, they shouldn’t have it at all. Problem solved. But why stop there?
CP English teacher and Speech and Debate coach, Mrs. Nelson showed her support for getting rid of modern classroom luxuries that we have become all too reliant on.
“In CP English, we’re going back to good old-fashioned book learning. There will be a class set of texts. Everyone will have to handwrite their essays, as well as all of their other assignments. And if I cannot read their handwriting, they will have to sit and read it to me.”
Students constantly complain about feeling anxious during the school day, so let’s remove clocks. No time, no stress. Worried about those agonizing 20 minutes left in your least favorite class? Not anymore. You won’t even know how much time is left. Consider it blissful ignorance.
And let’s not limit these changes to students. Every day, the lunch staff wheels food to The Nest on bulky carts. It’s time to ban wheels from the building entirely. Instead, they can carry everything by hand. After all, who needs efficiency when we can build muscle and character?
But why stop at clocks and wheels? Fire is another outdated and dangerous tool. It may have been useful once, but in today’s world, it’s simply too risky. That means saying goodbye to our welding program. No more sparks, no more accidents, no more learning a valuable trade.
And while we’re addressing safety concerns, let’s ban students from driving to school. Actually, while we’re at it, let’s ban everyone! No cars, no parking lot chaos, no reckless teenage drivers, no having to tell students to slow down on Tuesday Topics. Driving in general is a disaster waiting to happen. Walking is safer anyway. So, lace up those shoes, because from now on, we’re all walking! A little hike through the wilderness never hurt anybody.
Since we’re already throwing convenience in the trash, where it belongs, let’s talk potty business. Indoor toilets? Overrated. Running water and plumbing? Waste of money. It’s time to reconnect with nature and rediscover who we truly are: primal beasts who can hunt mammoths to extinction. One Wheeling Park senior, Arie Friend, says it best.
“We need to go back to our roots. We need to go back to the outhouse. It’s good for composting and great for the environment.”
Mrs. Nelson is also on board with returning to our roots as long as convenience is still key.
“If there’s [an outhouse] that is right outside of the Beneke stage door, I will actually be able to get to the bathroom and back to my room quicker than I currently am able to,” she said.
So, while this idea may seem wild, what’s more wild is just how far we have strayed from the days of stone tablets and writing under candlelight. The only logical step here is to abandon it all. It’s time for us to go back to our caveman ways. Not only for ourselves, but for our future generations.
