The past few months of my life have been filled with lots of love, smiles, and sometimes insecurity. With Valentine’s Day coming up, the theme of love has been incredibly prevalent in my life.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for around four months now, and I am certainly spoiled. He is always there for me, and willing to lend a helping hand. Although I always reciprocate this, sometimes I have a hard time fully accepting the love that he gives me. I believe that this is normal in a newer relationship, especially if you’ve been in past relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy. Although there are times I grapple with my self worth, my boyfriend never fails to uplift me in these moments. I know more than anyone that I am deserving of the praise that I receive, but there are definitely times when my past impacts the way that I think.
Just recently Olympic bronze medalist, Ilona Maher, was asked about how she overcame “Imposter Syndrome”. She responded to this question with “I don’t have that”… “It’s OK to be proud of what you’ve done. It’s OK to believe you deserve something because you’ve put in the work for it”. Although imposter syndrome is something that I struggle with in my everyday life, it does not translate to my relationship. My boyfriend does the best of his ability to remind me that our relationship is a safe place, and that he is here to stay. Creating a safe place for your significant other is so important, especially if they have endured an unhealthy relationship in the past. But just because you have physically removed yourself from that place, does not mean that it won’t continue to affect you mentally.
According to Luxx Therapy, “Navigating healthy romantic relationships after toxic ones can be a challenging and daunting experience. The scars of a toxic relationship can deeply affect your ability to trust and love again,”. Despite being so far removed from my toxic past, there are still times that the way I was treated affects my self esteem. This has absolutely nothing to do with the way that my boyfriend treats me, but everything to do with certain experiences that trigger me.
The best thing that you can do to make sure that a past relationship doesn’t affect a new one is to address it within yourself, and with your significant other. The Healthy Human Project offers us 5 steps to ensure you don’t fall back into old patterns, but we will only be touching on the big three. Number one, address your own toxic behaviors. It’s possible that your toxic past may have actually caused you to adopt some of those practices. Number two, recognize triggers. Take time to think about the things that “specifically started up your nervous system”. It’s possible that your significant other may have said or done something on accident that brought you back in a negative way. Finally, communicate with your partner. Let them know that specific things upset you. It’s important you don’t let these things build up, and cause a bigger issue in the future.
